Am I a freak of nature because I’m married at 25? Or am I a rarity that should actually be more common in today’s society?



I had an epiphany last night. I’m the “married friend.” All of my friends (and associates for that matter) are single. I think the reason it’s so baffling is because all of these ladies are fantastic. They’re educated, attractive and lively young women. I know of 2 or 3 of them who want to get married and the same amount of them are in serious relationships. So why haven’t they taken the next step. All of the hubby’s closest friends (3 of them) are all married and another one of them will be walking down the aisle next month.



Why is marriage at 25 such a rare commodity?



My mom has always been a very blunt woman. At 22, I remember the very distinct advice she gave me: “If a man, dates you for 2 years and hasn’t put a ring on your finger, then it’s time to move on. He’s not serious about you. No matter what he said.” Naturally, I agree because she’s right. I’ve heard the arguments: “My standards are too high…He says we’ll get married next year…There’s no good men out there…” Does that make me a freak of nature because I did find a good man? Or did I hit some kind of “good guy” lottery that only few women have won?



I just can’t give myself that much credit.



I mean I didn’t do anything different. I didn’t cast a “marry me” spell. My mindset has always been that I will find someone who will want to be married and when the opportunity came to say what I wanted I put it all out there on the table. Marriage is not a game. So when the time came to say what I want, I didn’t play those “Oh, he should know…” games. I let it be known. So, maybe honesty is the only “spell” I used, but I hear women say they want to get married all the time.



Maybe I’m assuming every woman wants what I want. Maybe they don’t want to be married. Maybe the thought of being secure with someone for the rest of their life is alarming. Maybe the single life is really that great and fun! I don’t want to believe that either. I have yet to meet anyone who wants to be alone. It’s just not natural.



So what is it? I mean this without sarcasm and boasting. Why are so many young, dynamic women single? I mean it’s to the point where the blind are leading the blind. I just don’t understand why one single person would give another single advice on relationships – especially marriage. And why is it that because I’m married that I stick out like a sore thumb? Seriously. People are shocked in these times, at my age that I’m married. That shouldn’t be the case. I wish that we would all – men and women – have a more enlightening take on the situation.



But these are questions that need to be answered. Why are you single? Why hasn’t he put a ring on my finger? Does he even know how I feel about marriage? Are my standards unrealistic?



From what I’ve learned, seen & heard, these certain social statuses don’t make you marry-able:



*You’re pretty
*You’re “independent”
*You’ve got a degree and a good job
*You’ve got a child or children together
*You’ve been together for a while (years)



If that were the case, about 90% of women would be married. But as they say, to get everything you want is “99% Attitude, 1% Skill.” So maybe you don’t have to have certain “skills” or statuses to get married. Maybe if the attitude towards marriage was a positive one in general and during the “courtship” stage, it would be a more common thing.



Look, marriage isn’t everything, but it is A LOT. And contrary to belief, as you get older (ladies), it’s much harder to come by. So with all this being known, why am I – married at 25 – such a rarity?

It happens to all of us. We go through that relationship that consumes us to the max. We think about what it would be like if it never broke off and sometimes why it even broke off in the first place because when we think about it, all we can remember is the good times. Your friends say it ended for the better and you think it changed your forever. Everyone says you shouldn’t talk to them but in the end you crack and you do. Over and over again. No matter how many times you tell yourself you won’t, you always fall back for that one person.

When it comes to that one ex, how is it that we always go through a revolving door?

I know for a fact that I’m not the only one who has been in this predicament. I’m sure at one point it’s something that we all go through. I think it’s because of an emotional attachment that we just can’t seem to shake – whether it’s because we have a child with the person or went through a traumatic experience that “connected” us. Regardless, sometimes we have to let go. If it’s meant to be, they’ll come back and then you know they’re yours, right?

I said that the revolving door may exist because of emotional attachment but of course we all know that it’s really easy to still be physically involved with an ex. Especially for the girls, we’re a little more emotional so when we involve ourselves physically, it’s much harder to let go. It’s amazing how hard it is to get away from something that was once so comfortable.

Eventually though it starts to wear you down because it isn’t what it was anymore and maybe you, or the ex, move on to a new relationship with someone else. It’s hard because at that point you finally have to let go or you can choose to let your new relationship deteriorate from the baggage of the one you can’t let go. Naturally, it’s easy to go through that revolving door once or twice but don’t let it rule your world and drag out continuously. Take it from my mother who says that exes don’t even deserve a second chance because if they wanted it to work, it would have worked the first time. It’s not fair to you or the person you are with now. Instead it just creates unnecessary drama that can be easily avoided.

When you actually find the real thing and it’s compared to your “door” you realize that it was all a facade. The door is much more surface than it seems and it’s one of those things that actually has no depth. It’s something that you try your hardest to turn into something when it’s actually nothing.

So don’t get caught up in the nonsense. Because a revolving door really has no beginning or no end which means, it leads to…no where.

A friend of mine was frustrated with herself for dishing about a break up and even wanting to speak to her ex because there were so many instances where she could have spoken to him. Whether it was to check up on him and make sure all was well, but deep down she knew talking to him was a bad idea after how it ended. She expressed to me as hard as it had been, this was truly a test from God and she felt silly even coming to me for help/advice during the whole thing.

My response (via text msg):

“Doing the right thing is always hard. Especially in a break up. I’ve come to you for soooooo many things before…that’s what friends are for. The devil is truly busy with all these recent acts, but it’s up to you with the help of God to keep progressing. These things are trying their hardest to make you REGRESS. But so far, I’m happy to say, it hasn’t worked.”

A lot of times we don’t give ourselves enough credit. Getting through a break up with or without the help of anybody is tough. (Friends don’t necessarily make it easier, but hopefully they help you laugh along the way.) You must go through the past to get to the present to be ready for the future. It’s like a little piece of you is forever left in that past relationship. But it’s up to you – and only you – to come into your new self. The new self that knows better because they went through that past relationship.

And break up.

Regardless of what’s going on in the economy, life must go on. Dating included. If your money is tight, don’t be so quick to throw in the towel. There’s hope. So whether you’re single or taken, we all want to go out with our special someone. Problem is a shoestring budget doesn’t necessarily encourage that. Well, I think I’ve got some suggestions that’ll help you save money and keep your dating life exciting. These ideas of course ladies should be suggested and then executed by your lovely date.

How do I know these “cheap” dates will be worthwhile?

Don’t put so much emphasis on how much money is being spent. Or better yet, NOT being spent. It’s about the time being spent. A date should have the four I’s.

It should have IMAGINATION. Get creative and think outside the box. Customize the date to your liking, interests and location. Stay away from being generic.
Make sure that it’s IMPRESSIVE. It is a date. It should make both people feel special to a certain extent.
Make it INTERESTING. It will probably be something you’ll have to do for at least an hour. So make sure it keeps both parties entertained and generates something to talk about.
Last but not least, INEXPENSIVE. Hence, being a date on a budget.

Examples?

In case you can’t come up with any ideas on your own, there are tons of resources. Marie Claire magazine has a great list of cheap date options on their website. But as I mentioned before, customizing the date to a person is always key. Cooking someone their favorite meal and then having a picnic is always a treat. Find something to do in the city is always a good idea. A lot of times, in the summer especially, you can find some great free music shows. Sometimes just walking the city alone can be a treat. On a date once I went on a tour of the ridgeline they’re building here in the city. It was free, I learned things I didn’t know about Atlanta and it made for great pics. Always remember the great…FREE…outdoors. The beach and camping are all options for budget friendly lovers. Be sure to check out Bankrate for tons of great ideas.

What happens if I run out of ideas?

Honestly, you shouldn’t run out of ideas. If you do, then you’re not trying hard enough. If you’ve just started dating the person, then the possibilities are endless. If you’ve been with the person for a while then collaborate on ideas. Even if you end up doing something you’ve already done you can tweak it where it’s a little different yet still enjoyable. Onlinedater.com has 67 date ideas for the recession. So even if you went on a date once a week, you would still have about a dozen things on that list you haven’t done yet. Besides, we won’t be in a recession forever. But even then, don’t assume. Always investigate for a cheaper option!

There’s tons of pressure on dating alone, let alone in today’s economy. What are you doing on your dates? I wanna know.

Share your budget dating tips with me at mattie@mattieologie.com.

You do the math. When you invest in something, you expect some sort of profit. It’s a very basic concept. You put something in, you get something out.

When people confide in me from friends – new and old – to acquaintances I see sporadically and there’s always a common theme: relationships. Not just about your typical quote-unquote love, but instead how to take control and get what you want. The thing is…you ALWAYS have control of your relationship you just have to make the choice on whether or not you want to take it.

As women, we let our emotion do the controlling of us instead of the other way around because of feelings. “Oh, he makes me laugh…well, she’s a nice friend…oh, the sex is good…” But at some point, rational decisions have to be made.

Heard of the saying, “calculated risk”? Well in relationships “calculated emotion” needs to be applied. Relationships have to add up because there are two sides: give and take. No one just listens to the left speaker of the stereo do they? Of course not. There has to be balance. It’s the same thing with people in relationships.

It won’t work with give, give, give or take, take, take. It just doesn’t add up. If you find yourself in a situation like this you have to calculate your emotions. Don’t make someone a priority when they’re only willing to make you an option.

Are you getting anything out of the other person by investing yourself in this relationship? Are you giving too much of yourself? Maybe not enough?

Balance it out to make it work, whether it’s with your long term boyfriend, a guy you’re just seeing or even a selfish sibling.

Two plus two will never be five, just like give plus give (or take + take) will never equal a functional relationship. So calculate your emotions: give plus take always equals a healthy, balanced relationship. Just make the choice to take control of playing both parts of the equation and choosing someone who will do the same.

Hey. No one said math was easy.